Pick-up Lines that Don't Work in an Old Folks Home

1. Excuse me, I can't help but notice how good you are with your gums.
2. You must be exhausted, you have been on your Hover Round in my head all day.
3. Does the carpet match the drapes?
4. Do you want to come over some time and talk about the internet?
5. You know, I used to pull the pud while watching the Golden Girls.
6. So you're a World War II widow huh? I bet that gets pretty lonely...
7. Do you come here often? (Particularly bad for those with Alzheimer's)
8. You already take Penicillin everyday? Then we don't even need a condom.
9. I must have died and gone to Heaven, because I just evacuated my bowels.

Day to Day

Today, after taking out the trash, I noticed a homeless man looking through it. Maybe he was looking for food, maybe he was trying to steal my identity. I will never know. When I approached him and said: "Excuse me sir, what are you looking for?" he got all choked up and couldn't answer. Probably because I had collapsed his Trachea.

People Bruce Wayne Could Beat Up

Your Dad

Sure he is sitting there, looking kind of tough with his gut hanging out, inevitably wondering why he married your mother. And you might have had those fights with kids on the playground about whose dad could beat the other one's up. But the fact of the matter is, he thought your kindergarten art was terrible, your pitching form leaves much to be desired, and you don't even want to know how much his heart died when you wrote him a sensitive poem for father's day (I mean come on, you Mary). So the real question is, why shouldn't Bruce Wayne punch your dad so hard that his socks fly out of his sandals, and his fanny pack full of maps and zinc oxide comes off? The fight would be shorter than your dad's attention span for your 4th grade play.

Things I Learned from Day-Time TV

1. Even though he said he was not, D'Antre was the father of Sheniqua's baby.
2. Enough people watch Will and Grace to justify it being in syndication.
3. Jerry Springer is still going.
4. There are countless puppets that will haunt my dreams for years to come.
5. No matter how you slice it, golf is really boring to watch.
6. Puns using golf references are better than 99% of the jokes on day-time tv.
7. Whoopi Goldberg is still alive.
8. Flava Flav should not be.
9. All of the commercials during the day are directed at fat people, the poor, the elderly, and poor, elderly, fat people.
10. I have got to get a hobby.

JFK

Sex and the City

Today Sex and the City opens in theaters around the country. Which means that homosexuals, women, and effeminate males the nation wide will flock to theaters to see "average" women living outlandish lives and pretending they can afford it. It will also require every college girl to leave the movie and pretend that they are Carrie. Cosmos will flow, Chanel bags will be flaunted by product placement, and husbands all over will furtively glance at their watches for 2 and a half hours. Some common questions you might overhear will be: "Who in the hell wears a broach the size of a water buffalo?" "Why didn't they have an episode where Samantha gets the clap?" and "Who in the hell pays Jimmy Choo a grand to look like they are walking in small woodland creatures?" Regardless, I will see it.

Things I feel uncomfortable saying, while ordering from a black person

1. (in a coffee shop) "I'll take it black."
2. (at an omelet stand) "Whites only, please"
3. (at a bar) "I would like a Caucasian."
4. (anywhere) "I really like chocolate."
5. (at target) "Do you know where the sunscreen is?"
6. (at a pharmacy) "I really hate picking this cotton out of the Advil container."

The Return of the Classy Asshole

After a longer hiatus than expected, the Classy Asshole has returned. I have been swamped lately, bringing culture to the Maori tribe, revirginizing Pamela Anderson, wrestling polar bears, and scratching myself in two places at once, but I have returned to fill your eye holes with mediocre humor, and fart references.