Things I Learned from Day-Time TV

1. Even though he said he was not, D'Antre was the father of Sheniqua's baby.
2. Enough people watch Will and Grace to justify it being in syndication.
3. Jerry Springer is still going.
4. There are countless puppets that will haunt my dreams for years to come.
5. No matter how you slice it, golf is really boring to watch.
6. Puns using golf references are better than 99% of the jokes on day-time tv.
7. Whoopi Goldberg is still alive.
8. Flava Flav should not be.
9. All of the commercials during the day are directed at fat people, the poor, the elderly, and poor, elderly, fat people.
10. I have got to get a hobby.

JFK

Sex and the City

Today Sex and the City opens in theaters around the country. Which means that homosexuals, women, and effeminate males the nation wide will flock to theaters to see "average" women living outlandish lives and pretending they can afford it. It will also require every college girl to leave the movie and pretend that they are Carrie. Cosmos will flow, Chanel bags will be flaunted by product placement, and husbands all over will furtively glance at their watches for 2 and a half hours. Some common questions you might overhear will be: "Who in the hell wears a broach the size of a water buffalo?" "Why didn't they have an episode where Samantha gets the clap?" and "Who in the hell pays Jimmy Choo a grand to look like they are walking in small woodland creatures?" Regardless, I will see it.

Things I feel uncomfortable saying, while ordering from a black person

1. (in a coffee shop) "I'll take it black."
2. (at an omelet stand) "Whites only, please"
3. (at a bar) "I would like a Caucasian."
4. (anywhere) "I really like chocolate."
5. (at target) "Do you know where the sunscreen is?"
6. (at a pharmacy) "I really hate picking this cotton out of the Advil container."

The Return of the Classy Asshole

After a longer hiatus than expected, the Classy Asshole has returned. I have been swamped lately, bringing culture to the Maori tribe, revirginizing Pamela Anderson, wrestling polar bears, and scratching myself in two places at once, but I have returned to fill your eye holes with mediocre humor, and fart references.