Pick-up Lines that Don't Work in an Old Folks Home

1. Excuse me, I can't help but notice how good you are with your gums.
2. You must be exhausted, you have been on your Hover Round in my head all day.
3. Does the carpet match the drapes?
4. Do you want to come over some time and talk about the internet?
5. You know, I used to pull the pud while watching the Golden Girls.
6. So you're a World War II widow huh? I bet that gets pretty lonely...
7. Do you come here often? (Particularly bad for those with Alzheimer's)
8. You already take Penicillin everyday? Then we don't even need a condom.
9. I must have died and gone to Heaven, because I just evacuated my bowels.

Day to Day

Today, after taking out the trash, I noticed a homeless man looking through it. Maybe he was looking for food, maybe he was trying to steal my identity. I will never know. When I approached him and said: "Excuse me sir, what are you looking for?" he got all choked up and couldn't answer. Probably because I had collapsed his Trachea.

People Bruce Wayne Could Beat Up

Your Dad

Sure he is sitting there, looking kind of tough with his gut hanging out, inevitably wondering why he married your mother. And you might have had those fights with kids on the playground about whose dad could beat the other one's up. But the fact of the matter is, he thought your kindergarten art was terrible, your pitching form leaves much to be desired, and you don't even want to know how much his heart died when you wrote him a sensitive poem for father's day (I mean come on, you Mary). So the real question is, why shouldn't Bruce Wayne punch your dad so hard that his socks fly out of his sandals, and his fanny pack full of maps and zinc oxide comes off? The fight would be shorter than your dad's attention span for your 4th grade play.

Things I Learned from Day-Time TV

1. Even though he said he was not, D'Antre was the father of Sheniqua's baby.
2. Enough people watch Will and Grace to justify it being in syndication.
3. Jerry Springer is still going.
4. There are countless puppets that will haunt my dreams for years to come.
5. No matter how you slice it, golf is really boring to watch.
6. Puns using golf references are better than 99% of the jokes on day-time tv.
7. Whoopi Goldberg is still alive.
8. Flava Flav should not be.
9. All of the commercials during the day are directed at fat people, the poor, the elderly, and poor, elderly, fat people.
10. I have got to get a hobby.

JFK

Sex and the City

Today Sex and the City opens in theaters around the country. Which means that homosexuals, women, and effeminate males the nation wide will flock to theaters to see "average" women living outlandish lives and pretending they can afford it. It will also require every college girl to leave the movie and pretend that they are Carrie. Cosmos will flow, Chanel bags will be flaunted by product placement, and husbands all over will furtively glance at their watches for 2 and a half hours. Some common questions you might overhear will be: "Who in the hell wears a broach the size of a water buffalo?" "Why didn't they have an episode where Samantha gets the clap?" and "Who in the hell pays Jimmy Choo a grand to look like they are walking in small woodland creatures?" Regardless, I will see it.

Things I feel uncomfortable saying, while ordering from a black person

1. (in a coffee shop) "I'll take it black."
2. (at an omelet stand) "Whites only, please"
3. (at a bar) "I would like a Caucasian."
4. (anywhere) "I really like chocolate."
5. (at target) "Do you know where the sunscreen is?"
6. (at a pharmacy) "I really hate picking this cotton out of the Advil container."

The Return of the Classy Asshole

After a longer hiatus than expected, the Classy Asshole has returned. I have been swamped lately, bringing culture to the Maori tribe, revirginizing Pamela Anderson, wrestling polar bears, and scratching myself in two places at once, but I have returned to fill your eye holes with mediocre humor, and fart references.

Lost Diaries: Jesus Age 12

Dear Diary,

Who the hell does Joseph think he is? He comes in here telling me to clean my room, and acting all fatherly. "You're not my dad" I yelled and then slammed the door in his face. How can my mom date him, I mean come on. I wish I knew my real dad, I bet he's like a fire fighter, or like an astronaut, or some other bitchin' profession. Maybe I'll run away, I should grow my hair long and join a rock band. Or maybe just wander in the desert, I wouldn't have to clean my room if I lived in the desert. How would you like that Joey? I should start calling him that, I wonder if that's even a name yet. Oh well, I'm just going to listen to Foghat as loud as I can. He can't tell me what to do. He's not the boss of me. Slow ride, alright.

J-Dawg

Conversation Held by Countless Guys Last Wednesday

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Questions Girls Never Ask (But Should)

1. Why don't they have King Cobra in anything bigger than a 40?
2. Do you think I could deep fry that?
3. Can I call in work today so that I can beat this level?
4. What's the biggest TV I can fit in here?
5. Is there anyone Batman couldn't beat up?
6. Why am I so f*cking crazy?

Things I Wish Google Would Help me With

1. Where did I put my Keys?

2. What song is this: Na na doo doo na na na shicka bam?

3. What was that kid's name I sat next to in Calc?

4. Did Mops really go to a special farm for dogs?

5. Why isn't Grandma moving?

6. Will that bar skank give me crabs? (a little late now google, a little too freaking late)

7. Where can I get one of those tiny combs, and some crab shampoo?

People Bruce Wayne Could Beat Up

Herbert Hoover

You might be asking yourself, "why would Bruce Wayne beat up the 31st president?" To you I pose this question: "shut up." It's a well accepted fact among political pundits that Herbert Hoover was not only a jerk, he was a bit of a nancy. It was common knowledge that he wore a garter under his suits believing it added to his raw sexual magnetism. Not only that, I think we can all agree that Mr. Hoover was single handedly responsible for the Great Depression, and the vacuum I had that bore his name breaking when I was a sophomore. All in all, it's not so much a question of whether or not Bruce Wayne could beat him up, it's more of a why not, and the answer is: no reason.

Poor Choices in Politics

Presidential hopeful/Dianetics enthusiast/weirdo Mitt Romney announced that among his favorite literary fare is a little known work called "Battlefield Earth." Essentially, Romney is tacitly announcing that he no longer has any desire to become president. Or perhaps, this is all part of a masterful plan in which he is going to name Xenu as his running mate. This could actually end up being a boon to the GOP as Xenu is a famously outspoken pro-life candidate. Unfortunately, it might come up that in Xenu's past, he was a dictator in the Galactic Confederacy. To a lesser extent, it is damaging that 75 million years ago, he brought billions of aliens to Earth grouped them around several volcanoes and exploded them with hydrogen bombs. Currently, these exploded souls are clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living, and continue to wreak chaos and havoc today. This is why Tom cruise does not take medicine. So, suffice it to say Xenu has some skeletons in his closet, and Mitt Romney is an idiot who just pissed away his shot at the presidency. Perhaps he can join the movementarians and slip away into secret bliss, watching terrible John Travolta movies.

Proud Moments in Recent News

Baby Misdials 976 Number

Worst Best Man Ever

Yahoo News Intern Allowed to Write Headline

Minnesotan College Kids have Libidos

The Noid Goes for a Job Interview

Interviewer: Good Afternoon, Mr. Vinton, hey wait a minute, you're that Noid guy.
Noid: Yes, I did have less than admirable jobs during the 80's to pay the bills, but I have done a lot since then.
Interviewer: Yeah I remember you, What happened to those commercials?
Noid: They were cancelled. As you can see since then, I received my MBA from Kellogg and I...
Interviewer: Wait, aren't I supposed to "avoid you?"
Noid: Well sir, I believe that was the slogan attached to my character, but I can assure you that I would be an assett to this company, if you look at my resume...
Interviewer: Did you know Tony the Tiger? I bet he's Grrreat, heh, you know like the commerial "Grrrreat."
Noid: No sir, he was on a different campaign. Sir, I'm uncomfortable with this questioning, if you would just look at my...
Interviewer: Yeah my kids played your video game, wow wait til I tell them I met the real Noid, they'll plotz.
Noid: Sir, if you'll just, Ah f*ck this, every single time... (Leaves room)

Ways Not to Get Laid

Yesterday, April 25th 2007, it was announced on the Playstation website that the prequel to the greatest game ever made, God of War, would be released on PSP. If you are a nerd/virgin/loser/have opposable thumbs, you should be interested. If you go to this website (Chains of Olympus) you can get a free demo while supplies last and eschew all responsibilities of relationships/hygiene/social graces.

Lost Diary of Abraham Lincoln

April 14, 1865

Dear Diary,

Things are going pretty well here, life as the president is about as drab as the way I dress. Mary Todd and I are going to see some bullshit play at Ford's Theater tonight. She's always dragging me to these things. I already asked too, and she said there would be no tits in it. I mean come on. I swear that bitch will be the death of me. I'm thinking of shaving my beard, what do you think diary? I mean, I don't want to be remembered as the tall president with a beard, oh well at least no one can ever suspect I'm gay, right? I saw a pretty big badger today. That was the highlight. How sad is that? I really wish something exciting would happen, you know switch things up a bit. I wish there was a game on tonight. Oh well, that will be invented soon huh? Well I gotta go, Mary Todd will not shut up (probably pissed off because she has a man's name for a middle name, between you and me diary, I think she may be you know....) Well, I'm sure I'll write you tomorrow, I can't think of any reason why I wouldn't. Laterz.

Abey Baby

Hiram Goldstein gets a Bad Fake ID

Gross, they made him an organ donor.

Proud Moments in Recent News

German Man Loves Horse, Bank

Phineas Gage, Eat your Heart Out

Lonely Japanese Man on the Road to Robot Sex

Kentucky has Iron Clad Prison