Lost Diaries: Jesus Age 12

Dear Diary,

Who the hell does Joseph think he is? He comes in here telling me to clean my room, and acting all fatherly. "You're not my dad" I yelled and then slammed the door in his face. How can my mom date him, I mean come on. I wish I knew my real dad, I bet he's like a fire fighter, or like an astronaut, or some other bitchin' profession. Maybe I'll run away, I should grow my hair long and join a rock band. Or maybe just wander in the desert, I wouldn't have to clean my room if I lived in the desert. How would you like that Joey? I should start calling him that, I wonder if that's even a name yet. Oh well, I'm just going to listen to Foghat as loud as I can. He can't tell me what to do. He's not the boss of me. Slow ride, alright.

J-Dawg

Lost Diary of Abraham Lincoln

April 14, 1865

Dear Diary,

Things are going pretty well here, life as the president is about as drab as the way I dress. Mary Todd and I are going to see some bullshit play at Ford's Theater tonight. She's always dragging me to these things. I already asked too, and she said there would be no tits in it. I mean come on. I swear that bitch will be the death of me. I'm thinking of shaving my beard, what do you think diary? I mean, I don't want to be remembered as the tall president with a beard, oh well at least no one can ever suspect I'm gay, right? I saw a pretty big badger today. That was the highlight. How sad is that? I really wish something exciting would happen, you know switch things up a bit. I wish there was a game on tonight. Oh well, that will be invented soon huh? Well I gotta go, Mary Todd will not shut up (probably pissed off because she has a man's name for a middle name, between you and me diary, I think she may be you know....) Well, I'm sure I'll write you tomorrow, I can't think of any reason why I wouldn't. Laterz.

Abey Baby