Lost Diaries: Jesus Age 12

Dear Diary,

Who the hell does Joseph think he is? He comes in here telling me to clean my room, and acting all fatherly. "You're not my dad" I yelled and then slammed the door in his face. How can my mom date him, I mean come on. I wish I knew my real dad, I bet he's like a fire fighter, or like an astronaut, or some other bitchin' profession. Maybe I'll run away, I should grow my hair long and join a rock band. Or maybe just wander in the desert, I wouldn't have to clean my room if I lived in the desert. How would you like that Joey? I should start calling him that, I wonder if that's even a name yet. Oh well, I'm just going to listen to Foghat as loud as I can. He can't tell me what to do. He's not the boss of me. Slow ride, alright.

J-Dawg

Conversation Held by Countless Guys Last Wednesday

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Questions Girls Never Ask (But Should)

1. Why don't they have King Cobra in anything bigger than a 40?
2. Do you think I could deep fry that?
3. Can I call in work today so that I can beat this level?
4. What's the biggest TV I can fit in here?
5. Is there anyone Batman couldn't beat up?
6. Why am I so f*cking crazy?

Things I Wish Google Would Help me With

1. Where did I put my Keys?

2. What song is this: Na na doo doo na na na shicka bam?

3. What was that kid's name I sat next to in Calc?

4. Did Mops really go to a special farm for dogs?

5. Why isn't Grandma moving?

6. Will that bar skank give me crabs? (a little late now google, a little too freaking late)

7. Where can I get one of those tiny combs, and some crab shampoo?

People Bruce Wayne Could Beat Up

Herbert Hoover

You might be asking yourself, "why would Bruce Wayne beat up the 31st president?" To you I pose this question: "shut up." It's a well accepted fact among political pundits that Herbert Hoover was not only a jerk, he was a bit of a nancy. It was common knowledge that he wore a garter under his suits believing it added to his raw sexual magnetism. Not only that, I think we can all agree that Mr. Hoover was single handedly responsible for the Great Depression, and the vacuum I had that bore his name breaking when I was a sophomore. All in all, it's not so much a question of whether or not Bruce Wayne could beat him up, it's more of a why not, and the answer is: no reason.